


I Wish I Could Paint Our Love

by GayaIsANerd



Series: I Wish These Were All Lovesongs [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Even Bech Næsheim and Isak Valtersen Meet Differently, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dry Humping, Even Bech Næsheim Loves Isak Valtersen, Fluff and Smut, Isak Valtersen Has Issues, Kissing in the Snow, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, One Night Stands, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:19:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12307992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayaIsANerd/pseuds/GayaIsANerd
Summary: “I thought this wasn’t a romance movie,” Even says, when they come up for air.Isak rolls his eyes, “Just take me to your bed, asshole.”//In which Isak meets Even in a bar and Sana knocks some sense into him.





	I Wish I Could Paint Our Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! <3
> 
> I fought my writing block and won! I really hope you like this, I loved writing it!  
> This is, very loosely, based on Coffee by Miguel, so I'm including it into the series. 
> 
> Immensely grateful to Laura for reading this over, you're the real MVP, babe!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos feed the cats!

When Isak wakes up, it’s to golden light streaming through the cracks of the curtains and warming him up. The blanket is thrown off him, down to his middle. He feels better and more well rested than he has in a very long time. For a second he feels disorientated and unsure of where he is, before his memories of the past night crash back into him and he groans.

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep here. It’s the first time this has happened in… well, ever. He doesn’t sleep over, he picks up a guy at a bar, he has sex with them at their place and then he goes home to wallow in his misery.

Isak isn’t sure what happened to make him fall asleep here last night, though he assumes the mind-blowing sex might have had something to do with it. He also vaguely remembers the guy, _Even_ , pulling him into towards him after his orgasm, demanding that Isak cuddled with him “just for a second.” Isak had only complied because Even was smoking hot. Seriously… the most good-looking man Isak had ever seen in his 20 years on this planet.

He must’ve fallen asleep while cuddling. Isak groans again and finally turns around to where he assumes Even is still laying asleep. Except, the bed is empty and by the looks of it, it has been empty for a while.

Isak feels a flash of disappointment before he can tell himself this is good. Even probably left the apartment to give Isak time to leave without making it awkward. He’s probably as annoyed as Isak is that he fell asleep.

This makes it easier, Isak tells himself. This way they don’t have to lie to each other and say hollow things like “let’s do this again sometime,” or “I’ll call you.” No, this is less messy.

Isak can just get up and get out and never see Even again. He can go back to meaningless hook-ups with men whose faces he barely remembers in the morning.

Isak tries to ignore the stab in his heart at that thought and goes to sit up in bed. As he swings his feet out of the bed, and onto the cold ground, he shivers. His eyes land on the sweater Even was wearing yesterday. The sweater Even gave Isak on the walk home when he noticed him shivering violently.

~

_“Are you cold?” Even asks, grin on his face as he watches Isak draw his thin jacket closer to him._

_“What gave it away, jackass?” Isak shivers again as he glares at Even._

_Even only grins wider, his eyes fond. Isak pretends the warmth pooling in his stomach is lust or alcohol and not affection for a man he just met and will never see again after this night._

_“Come here,” Even says, putting his hand on Isak’s arm, to make him stop walking._

_Isak’s heart skips a beat, looking at the sight Even makes, the snow melting in his hair, the streetlights making a halo around his head. “I’m not kissing you in the snow, this is not a romance movie,” Isak snipes, and shakes some snow out of his curls._

_Even’s laugh is soft, amused. “Whatever you say, Isak,” Even says as he starts taking of his jacket._

_“What are you doing? It’s incredibly cold, Even, it’s enough one of us will die of hypothermia!”_

_Even cocks his head to the side, eyes crinkling at the corners, “Aw, I knew you cared! That hard exterior of yours is just hiding a big, soft heart, isn’t it?”_

_Isak opens and closes his mouth, unsure what to say. He’s not used to his hook-ups sharing banter with him. Normally, by now, he would be naked and panting on their bed, moaning something that was hopefully their name, if Isak remembered it correctly. Even, however, has been soft with him all night. Insisting they dance some more before going to his place. Buying him water to sober him up, telling Isak if he wanted to come home with him, he had to be as sober as possible. They had talked about what they were studying at university. Isak had even talked about his friends, pointing out the losers dancing like maniacs in the middle of the dancefloor. Even had kissed Isak more times already than any of his hook-ups ever had in the entire span of the night._

_And now, he is taking of his jacket and sweater and holding out the latter for Isak to wear._

_“I’m not giving you my jacket, because it will be too big for you and will not keep out the cold,” Even says, shaking his sweater slightly as if to prompt Isak to take it, “Also, I’ve seen enough movies to know that giving someone your jacket equals dating them, and it’s too soon for that, isn’t it?” He grins, as if taking about dating with your one-night stand is the most normal thing in the world._

_Isak wants to tell him off, tell him there’s no future for them. This is a hook-up and nothing more. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why. Maybe he is afraid that Even will leave him standing alone in the snow. Maybe he doesn’t want to risk Even getting mad at him. Maybe he’s drunk enough still to give into the temptation to pretend like he can date someone like Even._

_When Isak doesn’t answer, Even steps closer to him, the sweater in his hands. “Arms up,” he orders, and without thinking about it, Isak does what he’s told. Even helps him into the sweater, his hands lingering longer than necessary on Isak’s waist._

_And Isak should want to leave, he should want to pull Even in bed, make him forget his own name. Just get off and take off. Instead, he just stares at Even, drinks in the taller boy’s looks._

_Even’s hair, in which the gel is losing a battle against the combined efforts of the sweat earlier this night and the snow falling into it now. His eyes, piercing into Isak’s, soft and gentle. His lips, full and chapped from the cold. Without thinking about it, Isak leans forward and presses his lips against Even’s. It’s the first kiss he has initiated all night. He doesn’t initiate kisses outside of the bedroom, he doesn’t kiss boys on the sidewalk in the snow, the streetlight forming a spotlight on them. He doesn’t wrap his arms around another boy’s neck in order to pull him closer. He doesn’t moan shamelessly, turned on by the simple act of kissing._

_He doesn’t. Except he does, this time._

_“I thought this wasn’t a romance movie,” Even says, when they come up for air._

_Isak rolls his eyes, “Just take me to your bed, asshole.”_

_Even’s grin turns lustful as he looks Isak up and down and grabs his hand to take him home._

~

Isak shakes his head to get the memory out. It didn’t mean anything. He knows he was still slightly drunk, and even though he hadn’t seen Even drink, he was sure Even had been probably at least slightly drunk as well.

Isak could come up with a whole bunch of reasons that would explain why Even did what he did yesterday that didn’t involve him actually falling for Isak.

Because, as Isak was all too aware of, there was nothing to fall for. He was selfish, sarcastic, and closed-off. Nothing like Even.

He might’ve only met Even less than twelve hours ago, but in that time Even had made him drink water to be sure he could consent to sex, he had given up his own warmth and comfort for Isak and he was generally just kind, smart and funny.

Not to mention so gorgeous he could’ve told Isak he was a Greek god and Isak would’ve believed him without question.

Even was so far out of Isak’s league, he was in another universe. The fact that the bed was empty, told Isak that Even had realised the same. He had probably woken up this morning, took one look at Isak and realised he made a mistake yesterday.

Isak gets up from the bed, shakes out his sore limbs, swallows away the self-loathing that is lodged like bile in his throat. He looks around the room, figures Even will stay away long enough for him to look around for a bit.

He notices the drawings on the wall. Some of them are like comics, cartoonishly drawn, with speech bubbles above the characters’ heads. They seem to contain Even’s friends. He chuckles as he looks at them. As mentioned earlier, Even is funny.

Add extremely talented to that list of qualities too, Isak thinks as he looks at the other drawings on his wall. They are realistic portraits or sceneries with intricate details and soft colouring. All of them are drawn by Even, evidenced by his signature in the downright corner.

Isak studies them for a while, his hand hovering over the self portrait of Even. The way he captured himself so beautiful. There’s something sad in Even’s eyes, however, and Isak can’t help but frown at that.

When he looks further, he is drawn to another one. It’s hung in the corner, almost hidden from view by a floor lamp. Unlike the others, this one is dark, painted in erratic stripes of dark blue, purple and grey. As far as Isak can tell, it doesn’t so much represent an actual scenery, but more a state of mind.

Isak can’t claim to know much about art. He knows the big names, he can sum up some basic knowledge about art styles, but he’s by no means an actual art buff. This drawing, however, speaks to him more than any painting ever has. So much so, that for one split second, Isak debates stealing it.

He’s not a complete asshole, however.

He turns back around to grab his clothes. When he goes to put on his jeans, his misses the fact that the pant legs are turned inside out. Isak loses his balance trying to pull them on and falls, gracelessly, against the wardrobe.

“Fuck,” he curses, rubbing on the sore spot on his shoulder.

He’s again fighting with his pant legs, when he notices the door opening. His head whips towards the door, just as Even walks in.

“Oh, you’re up! Are you okay? I heard a crash and you cursing,” Even smiles at him, leaning on the door opening and Isak is again hit with how handsome Even is. He still has bed hair, and his shirt has ridden up his hip slightly, showing Isak a sliver of his milky white stomach.

Instead of saying anything reasonable, Isak narrows his eyes at Even and says, “What are you doing here?”

Even chuckles, “I live here?”

Isak rolls his eyes at him, trying to hide the blush creeping on his cheeks, “I know, but why are you home?”

Even frowns, “I’m not sure what you mean… Did you think I left?” He steps more fully into the bedroom, and walks up to where Isak is still standing, one leg in his pants.

Isak helplessly shrugs, unsure what the right thing to say is. Even looks genuinely distressed by the fact that Isak thought he was gone. Does that mean that Even does want him here?

When Isak’s been quiet for too long, Even just smiles softly as he caresses Isak’s cheek, “I shouldn’t have left the bed, I’m sorry, but I was making breakfast. Come, I made coffee and eggs.”

Isak watches dumbfounded as Even turns to walk out again, but before he leaves the room, he turns back to Isak, “You can wear my sweatpants if you’re cold, I know jeans aren’t as comfortable. Especially not those tight ones,” he grins as he points over to the sweatpants in question, “Not that I don’t appreciate you in those tight jeans.”

Even does a poor impression of a wink before walking out his bedroom, “Hurry up before the eggs get cold, though,” he shouts over his shoulder.

Isak just stands still in the middle of Even’s bedroom. He should walk out. He should continue putting on his pants and just walk out. Break all possible ties with Even before this goes any further.

He’s never been given breakfast. Granted, he never slept over, but most of his hook-ups wouldn’t even give him a glass of water. He doesn’t know what the social etiquette is here. Is he supposed to eat breakfast, and then leave?

Isak glances back at the drawing in the corner, the dark one. He feels like he’s on the edge of a cliff, he could turn around and go back to what he knows: his cold, damp apartment and the loneliness it seems to stand for more and more. Or he could jump and see where it leads him.

He shrugs out of the one pant leg he managed to get into and grabs on to Even’s sweatpants. After a second, he grabs the sweater from the ground and puts that on as well. He tells himself he’s just cold and hungry, nothing more.

When he opens the bedroom door, the smell of coffee and eggs hits him in the nose, making his stomach rumble.

He makes his way into the kitchen, where Even is standing at the counter, separating the content of the pan onto two plates. Isak coughs slightly to let his presence known, and Even turns around, wide smile on his face.

When Even sees Isak, his eyes first widen and then darken. He licks his lips, a movement Isak can’t help but mimic.

“I like you in my clothes,” Even says, making Isak blush slightly.

Isak clears his throat, feeling incredibly out of place in Even’s kitchen. He wishes he could make a quip back, make Even laugh or turn him on. Instead, he bounced from foot to foot, and pulls self-consciously on the sweater.

Even’s eyes soften again, and the slight smile on his face returns. He seemingly realises Isak feels out of place, so he points to the kitchen chair, “Sit down, I hope you like eggs!”

Isak goes to sit and takes his time looking around while Even pours the coffee into two mugs. Even’s kitchen is light, painted in a soft, pale blue, not unlike Even’s eyes in the morning light. There are plants lining the windowsill in colourful pots. The fridge is littered with little notes and doodles. There’s a spice rack hung above the counter, filled with a staggering amount of spices. The kitchen seems homely, lived in. Like Even spends happy times in it.

Even sets down the mug and plate in front of Isak, and plops himself down onto the chair next to him, “Enjoy!” he says, as he digs in.

Isak takes a big gulp of the coffee before starting in on the eggs. It’s quiet while they eat, but somehow not uncomfortable. Even looks at him, unabashedly, making Isak blush. He can feel himself getting sucked into the domesticity of it and he knows he should run while he still can, just get out, save himself from the inevitable heartbreak.

But then Even hooks his ankle around Isak’s and smiles softly at him and Isak can feel his heart thumping out of control.

He jumped off the cliff and is mid-fall. He feels weightless, like he’s flying.

Isak knows he won’t get to keep Even. Sooner or later Even will realise he’s way too good for Isak and he will kick him out. But maybe he gets to enjoy this for a moment. He realises, as he locks eyes with Even, that he’s fucked either way. He tasted the sweetness of the forbidden fruit and anything else will now taste bitter.

So, Isak cocks his head and grins at Even, indulging himself in the fantasy for just a moment longer.

 “Did you like breakfast?” Even asks him, clearing out the dishes and putting them into the dishwasher.

Isak nods, eyes drawn to Even’s lips.

“Will you stay?” Even’s eyes have grown dark again, fixed on Isak. And Isak feels something shift in himself. This is why he’s still here. Even wasn’t falling for him, he didn’t trick Even into thinking he would make a good boyfriend. Even just kept him around for round two.

Isak should respect himself and leave. He should grab back the upper hand and tell Even he’s going home, leave him wanting more. But then Even smiles softly at him, caresses his face and Isak’s resolve flies out of the window.

He wants Even more than he has ever wanted anyone. So, he tamps down his instinct of self-preservation and tells Even he’ll stay.

When Even pulls Isak into him, to kiss him soft and slowly, mapping out his mouth with his tongue, Isak reminds himself this doesn’t mean anything. Even is just gentle, caring. He probably does this for all his hook-ups. Even links his hand with Isak, and pulls him back to the bedroom, stopping to kiss him every two steps, like he can’t get enough of him.

If Isak thought the sex was good while being slightly intoxicated, it’s got nothing on having sex fully sober.

Even undresses him slowly, kissing every part of Isak he reveals. He licks and sucks and worries the skin with his teeth, making Isak so hard he’s afraid he might come from this alone. After what feels like ages, Isak is finally naked.

Even lays down between Isak’s legs. He sucks a hickey onto Isak’s inner thigh, making the younger boy buck up into his mouth and moan loudly. Even pops off with a sinful sound and a wicked grin.

“You okay there?” he asks, lights twinkling in his eyes.

Isak rolls his eyes and impatiently rolls his hips, “Get on with it, jackass.”

Even laughs but before Isak can snipe at him again, he licks a line over the length of Isak’s shaft.

The moan Isak lets out is one porn stars would be jealous of.

“Fuck, Isak,” Even sighs, mindlessly rubbing his groin against the bed in order to get some friction himself, “What do you want to do? How do you want this?”

Isak’s breath stills for a second, surprised at the question. He’s not used to being asked what he wants. Most men just take. Then again, most men don’t make him breakfast and kiss him until his lips feel sore.

“Fuck me,” Isak whispers, barely loud enough for Even to hear.

He must’ve heard it, however, as he moans loudly, “You’re going to kill me, Isak,” Even says, crawling up Isak’s body to plant a kiss on his lips.

Isak’s heart stutters, as he once again realises how much it’s going to hurt to never see Even again.

Even grabs the lube and a condom out of the drawer next to his bed. As he slowly starts fingering Isak, the younger boy is suddenly immensely grateful they didn’t do this yesterday. Even had refused to fuck Isak unless he was fully sober. At the time, Isak had been annoyed, certain that meant he would never get the fuck Even. Not that he complained about the blowjob he received instead, mind you.

Now, he’s thankful there’s nothing in his veins stopping him from remembering this later. He knows that after this, after Even has spent himself inside of Isak, he will throw him out, and all of this will be over. But at least he’ll remember everything in excruciating detail. Isak will know exactly how this blue-eyed god ruined him for other men forever.

When Even, finally, pushes into him, Isak has been riding the edge of orgasm for so long, he feels like his body is electric.

Their moans are in sync as Even glides in and out of him, hiking up Isak’s leg high over his waist in order to burrow himself deep into him.

“God, Isak,” Even moans, bending over to kiss Isak where he can reach him.

Isak pulls Even’s hair, edging him on, and Even complies, snapping his hips faster and harder into Isak.

“Even, please just…,” Isak begs, unable to form sentences, skating on that edge of orgasm.

Even moans before snaking a hand between them to jerk Isak off in swift movements.

The orgasm crashes into him like a tidal wave, pulling him under. He can’t help the scream from escaping his lips, “Even!”

Even’s answering grin is wide and animalistic as he fucks Isak through his orgasm. It’s when Isak comes back down, Even picks up the pace, chasing his own orgasm.

When he comes, he bends and bites down on Isak’s collarbone, making Isak moan again, the pain shooting a sharp spike through his body that turns into pleasure fast.

After, Even plops down next to Isak and thumbs the bite mark, “Shit, sorry, I should’ve asked first.”

Isak shakes his head, “It’s okay, I like it.” He blushes when Even eyes him intensely before first kissing the mark and then his lips.

Even pulls away slightly to push a stray, sweaty curl out of Isak’s face, “Good to know.”

He grabs a shirt of the ground and uses it to clean them both up. “We’ll shower later,” Even says, fond smile on his face, “First we’ll cuddle, then maybe a movie?”

His face is open and trusting and finally Isak panics. He’s so out of depth, looking into Even’s beautiful blue eyes.

He can feel the fear coming up. His fear of abandonment, his fear of being hurt, his fear of being used. And so, he does what he does best, he runs.

“Actually, I have to go,” he says, almost jumping out of the bed. Isak grabs his clothes, and starts hurriedly putting them on.

“Isak? What happened? What did I do?” Even’s voice sounds small and Isak knows that if he turns around and looks at him now, he’ll fall back into bed with him.

So, he remains standing with his back to Even, “I just have to go, okay? I’m sorry.”

 Isak almost runs out of the door, puts on his shoes as fast as possible, praying Even won’t follow him.

When the front door slams shut behind him, he doesn’t feel relieved, not like other times. Instead, he feels a bone deep sadness and a voice in his head screaming at him to turn around and crawl into Even’s arms.

He can’t do that, however. Whatever Even wanted from him, it would only hurt Isak in the long run. He’s better off not feeling things, not falling for people.

So, he pulls his too thin jacket tighter over his body and begins the walk back to his apartment.

~

A week later finds Isak on his bed, contemplating what decision in life brought him to this point, alone and frustrated on a Saturday night.

To be honest, he doesn’t have to look far to figure out where it all went wrong. Maybe it’s unfair to blame all his present issues on one particular decision, made so many years ago, but Isak has read the literature. The coping mechanisms people pick up in their teens, are the ones they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Those coping mechanisms can be drugs, alcohol, smoking or, in Isak’s case, meaningless hook-ups designed to reinforce his own shitty self-image.

The fact that Isak is self-aware, however, doesn’t change anything about his behaviour.

Four years ago, his father walked out on them. A few days later, Isak’s mother had her worst psychotic episode up to date. A few hours later still, Isak ran.

Years later, he still doesn’t know whether or not it was a conscious decision to go to the gay bar. In any case, the bar was seedy enough to let him buy a beer, and after that he never was without a beer in his hand and company next to him.

He turned them all down, until a young, sweet looking man shooed all the others away and stood next to him. He had introduced himself as Julian.

Julian had been flirty and nice, refusing Isak more beer, instead sobering him back up. After a while, Julian had offered to take Isak home.

Isak had protested, begged Julian not to make Isak go back to his mother. So, instead, Julian had taken Isak to his house.  

Isak closes his eyes against the onslaught of memories. How Julian had been nice and understanding. How he had undressed Isak, telling him how beautiful and sweet he was. He had refused to kiss Isak, but he had been gentle.

After, Isak had spread himself out on Julian’s bed, content to fall asleep. Julian had nudged him, however, and told him to leave. “This is just a one-night stand, baby boy, and I don’t do sleepovers.”

Isak had walked home in the pitch black, the pain soaring through him with every step.

The next time his mother went into an episode, Isak found himself back at the bar. This time, however, he didn’t wait for the guy to kick him out.

It quickly became a habit. He never drank so much he wouldn’t be able to protect himself if necessary and he always left right after achieving orgasm.

The hook-ups gave him a way to shut off his brain, not unlike how an alcoholic would drink himself into a stupor to stop thinking.

After his mother finally got the help she needed and deserved, Isak should’ve stopped, but by then the habit was hard to break and Isak had actually found some pleasure in it as well.

He didn’t hate himself that much afterwards anymore. At least, he didn’t hate his sexuality anymore. He had come out to his mother when he was eighteen and it had gone surprisingly well. After that, he had learned to accept his sexuality and he stopped hiding and pretending.

Not to say his sleeping around was totally innocent and healthy. Every hook-up emphasized his fear of commitment and his simultaneous fear of abandonment. Or as Jonas jokingly referred to them: ‘Isak’s daddy issues’.

Isak groans as his phone rings for the third time in as many minutes. He paws around on his bed until he finds it. Rolling his eyes at the caller ID, he lowers the phone again.

He closes his eyes and breaths in through his nose, out through his mouth. He refuses to acknowledge the anxiety in the pit of his stomach, instead pushing it down with every breath.

He knows he is probably worrying his friends by not picking up the phone. He knows it is unfair to them to ignore them instead of going out with them like he had promised the week before.

Isak remembers standing next to Even, Even’s hand possessive on his hip as he said goodbye to Jonas. Magnus had popped up out of nowhere, screaming something about a party next week that was supposed to be, in his words, baller.

Even had laughed next to him, before proceeding to nuzzle Isak’s neck, sending shivers over his spine and making his dick twitch uncomfortably. He had told Magnus he would be there, and tugged Even away from them, towards the door.

Magnus had yelled at him that he could bring Even, something that had made Isak clench his jaw and send a glare over his shoulder and Jonas had hit Magnus over the head. He knew better than to think Isak’s hook-ups would turn into something more.

Isak hadn’t thought much of it at that moment, confident that going home with Even wouldn’t be different from all the other times. They would fuck, Isak would leave.

It’s just that Isak had to go home with an actual angel and fall halfway in love.

So now, instead of pulling some new guy or drinking and laughing with his friends, Isak is sulking in his bed, debating whether it is even worth going out today.

He hates this feeling, it was exactly what he had been trying to avoid all this time. However, he would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t known what he was getting into. That very night, kissing in the snow, it should have been a warning, it should have been Isak’s cue to opt out.

Instead, he had kissed Even in one of the most romantic ways possible. He had fallen asleep in his arms. He had been soft and loving, letting himself feel things that weren’t his to feel.

Now he was burned.

A loud banging on his door scares him half to death.

“Isak! We know you’re there, we heard your phone ring! Open up,” Magnus’ voice sounds through the door and Isak rolled his eyes again.

Nonetheless, he gets up to open the door and let his friends in.

Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas stumble into the apartment, clearly having pre-partied at one of their places before coming here.  

Magnus immediately draws Isak into a crushing hug, “We thought you died!” he exclaims, actually teary eyed.

Isak rolls his eyes and pushes him off him, “Fuck, Magnus, chill.”

“For real though, bro, where were you?” Jonas says, his intense eyes focused on Isak.

As usual, Jonas’ stare makes Isak want to spill his secrets. It has always been like that.

In the beginning, when he wasn’t out yet to his friends, Jonas would ask where Isak went some nights and just stare at him as Isak gave shitty excuse after shitty excuse. It had been such a relief to just come out to him, even more when Jonas truly didn’t seem to look at Isak any different.

After Jonas, it had been easy to come out to Magnus and Mahdi. Magnus had reacted with his usual inappropriate jokes and Mahdi had just nodded to him, telling him it was cool.

That had been that, Isak’s big gay panic over like that. He was aware how lucky he was, how not everyone was that lucky when coming out.

However, despite the easy coming out, Jonas had never been really supportive of him sleeping around. Not that he didn’t approve of the sex itself, but more the way it made Isak feel afterwards.

He had seen Isak on Sunday, bleary eyed and self-hatred over coffee. He had been there that one time it almost went wrong. He had told Isak time and time again that sex positivity was a good thing, but that the emphasis should be on the positivity part.

Isak knew he was right. This wasn’t healthy, this wasn’t doing him any favours. But he couldn’t stop. He chased the short-lived release like a drug addict chased the needle.

 He had never had a come down like this, though. He had a bad Sunday, then an okay Monday and by Tuesday he was back to being normal. Whatever his normal was.

This time… This time everything reminds him of Even.

The snow outside reminds him of the snow stuck to Even’s lashes, making his eyes shine even brighter. The stupid poppy song they play on the radio all the time, reminds him of Even dancing around him, singing along and laughing loudly. When he jerks off in the shower, Even’s name was on his lips. Even is like a song stuck in his head, and he couldn’t get it out. Maybe he didn’t want to get it out.

He pokes the emotional bruise as well as the actual bruise, still faintly present on his collarbone.

He is nothing if not a bit of a martyr.

It is stupid and ridiculous and all his own fault.

Isak shakes himself out of his own internal monologue and looked at his friends. He shrugs half-heartedly, “Didn’t really feel like going out tonight,” he mumbles, earning himself concerned looks from his friends.

Mahdi nods slowly, “I have good weed, though. You want to smoke with us before we go to the party?”

Isak smiles and gestures to the kitchen table, “If I ever say no to that, call the feds because my body has been snatched.”

Jonas laughs and claps Isak on the shoulder.

Isak goes to get beer while Mahdi lights up the joint and Jonas opens the window, letting the freezing cold in.

When the joint is passed over to him, Isak draws it in deeply, letting the smoke burn his tongue and lungs.

They are quiet for two rounds. It’s when the joint passes Isak for the third time, Magnus speaks up.

“So, what happened last week?”

Isak narrows his eyes at him, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Isak, my man, you’ve been moody and withdrawn all week,’ Jonas says, concern etched on his face.

“Even more than usual, might I add,” Mahdi’s voice sounds.

Isak glares at him, and Mahdi grins back, no longer impressed by Isak’s glare after years of exposure.

“Did he hurt you?” Jonas’ voice is soft, genuinely afraid that Even might’ve hurt Isak. He reaches a hand out for Isak.

Isak whips his head towards Jonas and shakes his head violently, “No! No, he didn’t,” he says and Jonas’ face immediately relaxes as he lets his hand fall back onto the table. Isak is grateful his friend believes him immediately.

“Then what…,” Magnus starts again.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Isak snaps at him, his voice harsh. His eyes blaze with anger as he turns them on Magnus. Magnus shrinks away from him, drawing his shoulders up to his ears.

“Bro,” Mahdi says, disappointment colouring his voice, his usually sunny smile gone from his face.

Jonas crosses his arms as he leans back to look at Isak, “Issy,” he begins, and Isak knows he’s fucked, Jonas only uses that nickname when he’s about to spill some truths™, “we’re really worried about you, and snapping at us won’t help. We love you, and just want to see you happy.”

Magnus nods sincerely, making Isak instantly regret snapping at him.

“I just… Can we please not talk about it?” Isak begs his friends, trying to sound soft and not angry. He looks at all of them and after a minute they all nod. Isak breathes a sigh of relief. It’s not that he doesn’t trust his friends. He’s just not ready to talk about everything.

If he says it out loud, it will become real. And if it becomes real… Isak isn’t sure what is going to happen.

Mahdi lights a second joint while they talk about safer topics, like all of Magnus’ almost hook-ups.

After a while the weed makes Isak’s head fuzzy and he finds himself actually laughing with his friends, Even forgotten for a moment.

Jonas’ phone pings from where it’s lying face down on the table top. He reaches for it and reads the message. He grins, types an answer and looks around the table, “Eva has demanded my presence at the party,” he says, before turning to Isak, “She also demanded your presence.”

Before Isak can protest, Jonas holds out his hands, “Listen, you try saying no to a drunk Eva, it’s not possible. So, if you don’t want to be called every five minutes for the rest of the night, I think it’s best you just show your face.”

Isak sighs and scrunches up his face. Jonas is right, Eva won’t give up easily. It’s better if he just goes with the guys, says hello to Eva and silently leaves again.

So, he puts on his shoes and jacket together with the boys and leaves for a party he really doesn’t want to go to.

When they arrive at the party, it’s already in full swing, the thump of the bass audible from a block away. Isak assumes that by this rate, the party will be broken up by the police soon.

Eva spots them the moment they walk in the door, falling around both his and Jonas’ neck, “Isak! Jonas! I’ve missed you!” she squeals loud in Isak’s ear, making him flinch.

For a moment he thanks his luck for having him run into Eva this soon, this means he can leave soon.

However, after a moment Eva’s face scrunches up as if she’s trying to remember something, “I was supposed to tell you something!” she says. She pauses for a moment before her face clears again and she jumps up and down, “I remember! Sana was looking for you, Isak! She told me to send you to her immediately! She looked mad, Isak, what did you do?” Eva smiles mischievously at him.

Isak’s heart stops for a moment, Sana being mad at him doesn’t bode well at all. He debates turning around and going home immediately, asking his friends to pretend he was never here this night, but he knows Sana would find out and whatever she is mad about now, avoiding it will only make it worse.

He asks Eva to point him to where Sana is and follows Eva’s finger towards the back of the house.

When he walks into the kitchen, Sana is talking to, Isak presumes, Yousef. She and the boy are turned towards each other, heads bend closely together. Sana’s face is more relaxed than Isak has ever seen, her dimples on full display as Yousef tells her something while animatedly moving his hands around.

Sana’s tinkling laugh sounds around the kitchen and Isak can’t help but smile at that. He may be a grump, running away from love, but he’s happy his best bud seems to have found it.

He watches the scene in front of him for a second longer before making his presence known, “Sana, you were looking for me, Eva said?” he says, walking fully into the kitchen.

Sana turns to him, dimples gone and eyes turned to slits.

When she doesn’t immediately answer, Isak swallows and turns to Yousef, holding out his hand, “Yousef, right? Nice to meet you, I’ve hear a lot about you. I’m Isak.”

Yousef shakes his hand, eyes flitting from Isak to Sana and back, “Yes, I’ve heard a lot about you too,” he tells Isak.

“Oh? Couldn’t this one shut up about how good a friend I am?” Isak asks him, thumb pointing over his shoulder in Sana’s direction.

She scoffs, “You wish, Isabell.”

Her use of the nickname relaxes Isak, even though her tone suggests she is indeed very mad at him, his offence must not be unforgivable if she’s still calling him that.

Yousef looks slightly uncomfortable, eyes trained on the floor, shoulders raised, “Uh, yeah, something like that.”

Sana rolls her eyes at that, “I’ll see you later, Yousef, I need to talk to Isak for a moment.”

Yousef nods, seemingly relieved. The two share a look more intimate than any kiss Isak has ever seen, before Sana grabs Isak’s wrist to pull him outside.

“What the hell, Sana, it’s cold outside. Why can’t we talk inside like normal people?”

The look Sana shoots his way, shuts him up immediately, “Because, Isak, I’m going to yell at you, and I’d rather not have people present for that.”

Isak swallows harshly, trying to come up with what he could’ve done to make Sana this mad. The last time she was mad at him, he had said something rude to Vilde, but he hasn’t talked to Vilde in a while, at least not long enough to have said anything rude. They also don’t have any schoolwork together at the moment, so it’s not like he could have forgotten anything there.

He’s still racking his brain, when Sana stops walking and turns to him, her arms tightly crossed, stern look pointed to him.

“What the hell were you thinking, Isak?” she says.

Isak opens and closes his mouth, desperately looking for what he could’ve done wrong.

Luckily, she continues, voice dangerously low, “You just left him without a word. Walked out. How could you do that to him? He’s actually a good person, Isak, unlike all those other people you fuck. I know you’ve decided that, for some reason, you’re not worthy of love, but it’s really unfair you’ve dragged him into this as well!”

Isak just stares at her, at loss for words, “What are you talking about?” he eventually asks her.

Sana huffs, her face red with anger, “Even! I’m talking about Even, you asshole! Or did you sleep with other people in the meantime?”

He has never seen her this mad, this worked up. Like Jonas, Sana never approved of his lifestyle, but Isak felt like she always understood in a way. Sometimes, when they had classes on Monday and the weekend had been especially rough, she would buy him coffee and lend him her notes. They never talked about it, but Isak knew her well enough by now to see her small gestures for what they were.

He always felt like he could be himself around her, no matter how different they were. Because Sana didn’t judge. She was a constant in his life, and one of the only people he trusted with his life.

So, seeing her this mad, this worked up, it shook Isak to the core.

“Sana, I…,” he trails off, lost for words.

“You what, Isak?” she bristles, “Listen, Isak, I’ve never said anything about you sleeping around. I got it, you needed to feel wanted. You were filling in a craving for human touch.”

Isak pulls up his shoulders to his ears, as if trying to protect himself from her onslaught of words.

Sana seems to thaw a bit when she sees how she’s affecting him. She breathes in deeply through her nose, relaxes her stance, “I get it, Isak. You told yourself you don’t deserve actual love. It’s not true and it’s unhealthy, and I still feel like you should talk to someone about it,” she holds out her hand when Isak opens his mouth to talk, “I know, I know, you have a trauma about that too.”

Sana sighs and the last of her anger seems to disappear with it, “I hate to see you hurt yourself, but hurting Even, that was a low blow, Isak.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Isak says, and he hears how small his voice sounds. He swallows away the sadness threatening to overcome him.

“You did, though. You ran away, Isak. He thinks he did something wrong,” a bit of anger seeps back into her voice and her eyes are harsh as she looks at him.

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbles, eyes trained to the floor, trying to shrink away from Sana’s powerful gaze.

It’s quiet for a moment, the only sound the bass sounding through the walls. Sana shifts her weight again, let’s her head fall backwards to roll her eyes at the sky. “Boys,” she whispers under her breath and for once Isak doesn’t jokingly fight with her on that one.

She pulls out her phone, taps out a message to someone and nods to herself when she gets an answer.

She softly pats Isak on the shoulder, “You should tell him you’re sorry, not me.”

Isak nods, “I don’t know how to contact him, though,” he says, finally looking up into Sana’s eyes, “Maybe you could tell him for me?”

Sana laughs, “Good try, Isabell, I’ll text you his number.”

Isak sighs, defeated, “Okay, fine, you win Sanasol.”

Her dimples come back full force, instantly making Isak feel better, “It will be okay, he’s truly a good person.”

They stand there for a second, stupidly smiling at each other.

Isak startles slightly when he hears the creak of the door behind him.

“Sana?” a voice sounds behind him.

Isak whirls around to look at the boy in the door opening.

“I’m coming, Elias. Just handling this,” Sana pats his arms before joining Elias by the door, “Unless you want to talk to him tonight, I suggest leaving through the garden,” she says, after peeking over Elias’ shoulder.

Elias narrows his eyes at Isak, and it’s that movement, so similar to Sana’s, that makes Isak realise that he’s Sana’s brother.

“You’re Isak?” Elias asks.

Isak nods. Elias opens his mouth again to speak but Sana pushes him back inside, “I handled it, Elias, thank you.”

Isak hears Elias laugh, “Fine, little sister, I trust you grilled him.”

Sana rolls her eyes at her brother before turning one last time to Isak, “I’ll text his number. You better call him Isak, I know where you live!”

“Yeah, me too,” Elias says, popping his head outside again.

Sana groans as she pushed Elias inside for a second time, “Don’t mind him,” she says, smiling at Isak.

Isak smiles back, “I’ll call him.”

“Good,” she says.

Isak salutes her, both hands against his forehead before turning and walking away through the garden, back to his apartment.

~

Sana sends him the number as promised. So, Isak is sat at his kitchen table in his sad excuse for an apartment, cup of coffee in his hands, staring at his cell phone lying in front of him.

Not for the first time, Isak wishes he didn’t opt to live alone when he moved out of his mother’s house. Noora had told him about her room becoming available, Jonas had asked him if he wanted to room together, even Eva had suggested renting something together.

Instead, Isak chose to rent something alone. Of course, because housing was expensive and he was a broke student living on a meagre salary working in the labs at his school, and his father’s guilt money, the only apartment he had been able to rent had been this run-down one.

It was nothing like Even’s apartment. With the cheerful kitchen, full of life and happiness, or his bedroom, filled to the brim with happy memories.

Isak swallows as he looks at the plant his mother gave him when he moved into his apartment, its leaves hanging low and browning, the flower long dead.

What a beautiful metaphor for his life, he thinks bitterly.

He thumbs at his phone so it springs back alive and looks for the millionth time that day at the phone number Sana had send him.

It is still early, only nine. The only reason Isak is awake at this time, is because he never went to bed in the first place, just sat at his kitchen table, contemplating his life.

At one point during the night, he had opened Grindr and actually matched with a guy. Before he could set up a meeting with him, however, he had noticed a small mole on one of the guy’s pictures and that had given Isak such a visceral memory of his night with Even, that he had thrown away his phone.

He thumps his head harshly against the table top, a whine escaping his throat. How did he manage to fuck up so badly?

He sighs as he looks at the clock on his phone once more… Still early.

Isak figures he might as well take a walk to clear his head first. Maybe get some coffee that wasn’t this watery drab his coffeemaker produced.

He grabs his phone, his wallet and his keys, patting his pockets once more before pulling his door shut behind him.

The crisp morning air immediately wakes him up more than his coffee ever could. He shivers slightly but decides he doesn’t feel like going back up to get another sweater. The walk to the nearest coffeeshop isn’t that far, and the cold will help him focus his thoughts.

He walks briskly to his destination, letting his thoughts roam free. He is in the middle of his imagined conversation with Even when he arrives to the coffeeshop, only to realise it is closed.

Isak curses his bad luck as he contemplates walking further to the next place. He figures he might as well, now that he is already out.

He takes a short cut through the park, his arms tightly wound around himself to keep him warm.

When he arrives at the second place, he almost screams, seeing that it will not open for another hour. His hands feel frozen and he fears this might just be the way he dies, running away from his problems.

There’s nothing he could do but turn back, and walk home, the cold seeping into his bones and making him more miserable than ever.

To make matter worse, it starts snowing again and Isak honestly feels like he could cry from frustration.

He walks as fast as he can, head tilted to the ground, making himself as small as possible.

He shivers violently, and bundles up even tighter, making him unable to really see where he is walking.

Which makes it unsurprising that he bumps into someone. Someone whose large hand grab his bicep before he can fall backwards on his ass.

When Isak looks up to apologize and thank him, he looks into the bright blue eyes of Even. His words dying in his throat as he makes eye contact with him.

Even’s face shutters down before Isak’s eyes, making the smaller boy’s heart thump painfully in his chest.

“Even,” Isak breathes, “I was just about to call you,” he says and winces when he hears how stupid that sounds.

Even evidently feels the same way, if his sarcastic chuckle is any indication, “Yeah, sure, Isak.”

“No really, look,” Isak pulls out his phone, cursing when his frozen fingers won’t cooperate, “your phone number is here, ready to be called.”

Isak wishes the earth would swallow him whole if he’s going to keep saying dumb shit like this.

Even, however, eyes his phone curiously, as if checking if that really is his phone number, “How did you get my number? I seem to recall you running off before I could give it to you.”

And yeah, Isak deserved that one. He clears his throat, “Sana gave it to me.”

Even eyes him before nodding, “I didn’t know you know her.” When Isak just shrugs, Even sighs, chewing his lip, “I’m sorry if she gave you any trouble, whatever she said, you don’t owe me anything, Isak. It’s fine.”

He goes to turn around, away from Isak and the realisation Isak might never see Even again, is such a painful one that he can’t help from panicking, “I’m sorry!” he almost screams at Even.

The older boy turns back around to face Isak, his eyebrows raised at the panic evident in Isak’s voice, “Listen, Isak, don’t worry, I’ll tell Sana you did what she asked you, don’t worry.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Isak says, struggling to find words, “I’m truly sorry. Walking out on you was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done, and that’s saying a lot, considering the stupid shit I’ve done,” he laughs self-deprecatingly, shrugging when Even tilts his head curiously.

Seeing Even again makes Isak realises how true this is. He is not sure how it happened or why it happened, but the truth remains that he mourned all week for Even, for losing what could have been.

“I’m so sorry, Even,” Isak whispers, and maybe it’s the broken, sad tilt to his voice that finally thaws Even, whose eyes grow big as he takes Isak’s miserable form in.

“Do you not own sweaters or thicker jackets?” he asks and Isak chuckles softly.

“I do, I’m just a dumb fuck with poor self-preservation skills,” Isak answers. Hoping Even knows that he means this about more than just his jacket-situation.

Even smiles softly at him, “Guess we’ll have to work on that,” he says and Isak can’t believe his luck. Can’t believe that Even holds out his hand for Isak to take, “Come on, my apartment is close, I’ll make you some coffee, warm you back up.”

Isak just looks at him for a moment, his heart in his throat. Even grabs his hand and softly pulls on it. Isak nods, following Even back to his apartment.

By the time they arrive, Isak’s curls are white from the snow and he’s shivering so violently his teeth chatter. Even frowns when he looks at Isak, worry creasing his forehead.

“We need to get you warmed up,” he says and momentarily realises Isak’s hand to unlock the door. Isak can’t help the high-pitched whine that escaped his throat at the loss of Even’s hand in his.

Even grins surprised, pleased look in his eyes making Isak blush.

He guides Isak inside, straight to his bedroom. The memories make Isak blush even harder as he looks around the room. Once more he is drawn to the darker picture in the corner.

He stares at it while Even rummages behind him.

“Here, put this on,” Even says, startling Isak into turning around. Even looks over Isak’s shoulder to the drawing, swallowing.

Isak watches Even’s Adam’s apple bob, “I love that one,” Isak whispers and Even’s eyes grow big, “What does it mean?”

Even regards Isak silently, “What do you think it means?”

Isak turns back to the drawing, chewing on his cheek, “I guess it reminds me of my mom,” he says, voice small.

“Your mom?” Even steps closer to him, so close Isak can feel his hot breath on his neck.

“She’s schizophrenic,” Isak says, strangely at peace with saying it out loud. He used to hide his mother’s illness almost as much as he tried to hide his own sexuality. He doesn’t hide it any longer, but every time he tells someone, he feels that same anxiety. Not this time, however. With Even everything is different. Something about him makes Isak want to take a leap of faith, he makes Isak want to try harder.  

He curses himself again for walking out on this feeling, for letting fear win. It might be too late now, Even might never forgive him and Isak wouldn’t blame him.

It’s quiet for a moment too long, giving Isak enough time to start panicking, fearing that he might’ve read Even wrong. Maybe he is an asshole after all and he will act all weird now that he knows about Isak’s mom.

But then, “I’m bipolar.”

Isak turns around to face Even. He looks him in the eyes as Even continues, “I thought this was why you ran, because maybe you didn’t want to deal with it. I know there are some rumours floating around on campus, maybe you heard them?”

Isak’s mouth drops open, and he stands there for a second, gaping like a fish, “What?” he manages to say, “That’s not… Even, I would never… I didn’t know and now that I know, it doesn’t change how I feel about you!”

Even’s face splits into a grin, and Isak feels like the sun has descended from her place in the skies to manifest in the form of this beautiful boy in front of him, “How you feel about me?” Even teases, and Isak feels himself blushing again, “How do you feel about me, Isak?”

Isak could say something sarcastic, make a stupid joke, call Even names, but as he looks into Even’s eyes and sees his own fear mirrored in them, Isak knows he has to be honest. If he wants to keep this feeling, if he wants to have a shot at happiness with Even, he needs to put himself out there.

“I feel afraid, very much so. I feel like I don’t deserve you, because I manage to fuck everything up and you have already shown me you are so good, Even. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you. I feel like I’m floating. I feel like your face might be the one I want to wake up to for the rest of my life. I feel like I might’ve ruined every chance of happiness I had, and I wouldn’t blame you if you threw me out,” Isak draws in a deep breath, “I feel like an idiot, because we’ve just met but this whole week I felt like I left a piece of me here in your bed when I left. I feel like my feelings are going both too fast and too slow and I don’t know how to stop them.”

Isak stops talking, heart in his throat. He feels silly, and like he overdid it. Even didn’t need to know how dee his feelings already rang. Why can’t he never just have emotions like a regular person?

He looks up to see Even smiling so wide, his eyes crinkle into slits before he surges forward and kisses Isak.

It’s not a graceful kiss, not by far. It’s more teeth than lips, Isak caught off guard and Even smiling too wide to properly kiss Isak.

Still, it’s the best kiss Isak has ever had.

He reaches up to bury his hands in Even’s hair when Even hisses.

“Did I hurt you?” Isak asks, eyes wide and panicked.

Even shakes his head and laughs, “No baby, but your hands are so cold. We still need to warm you up! Change into dry clothes, I’m going to make us coffee, okay?”

Isak nods and Even leaves the room before Isak fully realises he just called him baby.

He shimmies out of his clothes and into the ones Even laid out for him. A warmth that has nothing to do with the dry clothes surges through him as he sits down on Even’s bed.

When he shivers again, he pulls Even’s blanket around him. The smell of Even now fully surrounds him and he closes his eyes to breathe it in.

He won’t kid himself, he’s still scared. He still doesn’t know if he deserves any of this. But if this week was any indication to what his life without Even is like, he knows he wants to try. He had a taste of happiness, in the form of the softest boy in this world, and Isak will fight himself if he has to, in order to keep him.

Even returns to the room, two steaming cups of coffee in his hands. He smiles fondly at Isak when he sees him bundled up in his blanket.

“I’m sorry, I was so cold,” Isak says but Even shakes his head.

He puts down the coffee on the bedside table and bends over to softly kiss Isak on the lips, “It’s okay.”

Even pulls at Isak until he gets the hint and sits next to him, backs to the headboard, sharing the blanket. Even hands him the coffee, and Isak sighs when the warmth starts finally warming up his hands.

He can’t help the moan from escaping him when he sips the coffee, the shot of caramel hitting his tongue and the warmth spreading through his body.

Even groans at that, “That’s really unfair.”

Isak turns to him, question in his eyes.

“I can’t stay mad at you if you are going to keep making those sounds,” Even says, making Isak blush.

“You already kissed me, twice,” Isak reminds him, making Even laugh.

“Yeah, I’m really not good at this whole ‘keeping a grudge’ thing, am I?”

Isak shakes his head fondly at him, before sighing, “We should talk, though, right?”

“Yes, I assume that is best,” Even says, bumping his shoulder with Isak’s, before turning serious again, “Why did you leave?”

Isak swallows harshly, “Jonas says I have daddy issues, Sana says I don’t think I deserve love.”

Even raises his eyebrows, puts his coffee cup down so he can fully turn towards Isak, “Okay… but what do you think?”

Once again, Isak is hit with how wonderful and understanding Even is. Not even his friends have really asked him why he sleeps around. It’s not that what they are saying isn’t right, it’s just that having Even outright ask him, makes him feel like he matters.

Isak mimics Even’s movement, putting the coffee cup down and turning towards Even. The blanket falls over their shoulders, crowding them close together, cocooning them into a world of their own. A world where Isak can be honest.

“I think… I think they are right, in a way. My dad abandoned me and my mom when I was young, leaving me to try and help her. But I couldn’t, I could only watch it get worse and worse,” Isak breathes in deeply, and Even reaches for his hand, squeezing it, “Sleeping around became a way for me to have some semblance of control. I got what I wanted and I didn’t let myself get hurt.”

Even nods, “Okay… How about now?”

Isak looks Even in the eyes, really considers the question, “Now… I’m ready to give up that control.”

“Are you sure?” Even asks, and Isak nods.

A laugh bubbles up in his throat, and Even raises his eyebrows questioningly.

“I can’t believe we only just saw each other a week ago,” Isak says, giggling.

Even grins, and caresses Isak’s cheek, “I saw you on the first day of school, walking around campus.”

Isak’s eyes grow wide, “You knew who I was?”

“I had been crushing on you for months,” Even says, slight blush high on his cheekbones, “I’m frankly upset you didn’t even notice me.”

Isak can’t disagree with that, he’s rather upset with himself as well. Sitting here, soaking in the warmth of Even’s body, Isak can’t help but mourn the days, weeks and months he lost by being a big ball of angst.

He watches Even’s face carefully, drinks in his features. Even’s eyelashes fanning over his cheeks, creating a beautiful shadow play. His pale skin, coming alive with the blush. His plump lips, that Isak can’t help but want to kiss.

So, he does. He tips his head slightly upwards and brushes his lips against Even’s.

“I’m noticing you now, and I’ll never stop now that I’ve started,” he whispers against Even’s lips.

The older boy makes a broken sound in the back of his throat before he captures Isak’s lips fully and licks into his mouth.

They make out for several moments, panting and swallowing each other’s soft moans.

Isak’s hands travel from Even’s face, to his hair and then down his back, ending up shoved into the back of Even’s pants.

Even moans loudly, grinds his hips down on Isak’s side, seeking friction, before suddenly pulling back.

Isak whimpers at the loss of contact.

“Will you stay?” Even asks, in an echo of last week and Isak’s heart breaks when he sees the raw vulnerability in his eyes.

Isak nods, traces his finger over Even’s kiss swollen lips, “I’ll stay for as long as you want me.”

Even’s eyes bore into his and Isak knows he’s looking for the lie. He tries to remain as still as possible, just letting Even scrutinize him. It doesn’t take long before Even seemingly finds what he’s looking for and bends his head again, kissing Isak hard.

They shuffle down until they are lying fully on the bed, Even on top of Isak, one leg between Isak’s leg, softly grinding down.

Isak moans and tilts his head backwards, the friction feeling so good he thinks he might come in his – no, _Even’s_ – pants.

Even uses the room Isak gives him to suck a bruise into his neck. It’s the combination, Even’s lip sucking a bruise, marking Isak, and Even’s hip grinding down particularly hard, that make Isak buck his hips up from the mattress and his orgasm hits him like he’s being pulled under.

His vision whites out, and al he feels, smells and tastes is Even all around him.

When he comes to, Even is peppering soft kisses all over his face.

“God, Even,” Isak whispers, trying to catch his breath.

Even’s pupils are blown and Isak can feel how painfully hard he is against Isak’s hipbone.

Isak pushes Even, flipping them over, before he crawls down Even’s body, pulling his pants and briefs down. He doesn’t waste time teasing Even, instead sucks Even’s dick in his mouth, deepthroating him.

The sound Even makes will play in Isak’s head for the rest of his life, no matter how this ends. His dick twitches, valiantly trying to come back alive.

Even doesn’t take long before he’s pulling Isak’s hair, gasping he’s going to come. Isak just takes him in deeper, swallowing around him.

Even comes with a howl, hands fisted in Isak’s hair.

Isak swallows as much as he can, only coming up when it gets too much. Spit and sperm dribble from the side of his mouth but before he can wipe either away, Even drags him up to him, licking into his mouth as if he’s chasing his own taste in Isak’s mouth.

When both of their hearts have stopped beating a million miles a minute, Isak lays down on top of Even, his nose buried into the crook of his neck.

Even slowly pets Isak’s hair, a content sigh escaping his lips.

“Don’t ever pull this shit again,” Even says, half serious, half laughing.

Isak raises his head to look Even in the eyes, struggling to find words, “I won’t,” he settles on, before kissing Even soft and sweet, hoping it will say what he can’t express in words.

It’s when he shifts, he feels the dry, sticky cum still in his pants. He scrunches his face at the uncomfortable feeling, making Even laugh.

“Get cleaned up, take a fresh pair of pants from the upper drawer. Bathroom is the next door over.”

Isak kisses him one last time before getting up from the bed. He grabs a fresh pants and moves towards the door, “I’ll be back,” he assures Even who nods gratefully and snuggles under the warm covers.

Isak can’t wait to get back under there with him, so he hurries to the bathroom to quickly take care of the mess and slip into the fresh pants.

He drops Even’s sullied pants into what he assumes is the laundry basket before walking back out of the bathroom, right into Elias.

Elias grunts from the force with which Isak runs into him, “Ow, what the fuck?” he looks up and his eyes widen as he sees Isak, “Isak? What are you doing here?”

His eyes seem to zero in on the flush still present on Isak’s cheeks and in a movement eerily alike that of his sister, he crosses his arm and frowns.

Isak opens and closes his mouth, looking desperately to the closed door of Even’s room, “I… uh…”

Elias follows his eyes to Even’s door, “I see…,” he sighs, “Listen, Isak, my sister tells me you’re a good dude, and I trust her. However, if you ever pull anything like last week again, I’ll hunt you down.”

Isak has no doubt Elias means it, and he’s immensely grateful that Even has someone like Elias in his life. “I won’t,” he says, trying to make Elias believe by holding his eyes, “I made a huge mistake last week. A mistake I’m not intend of ever repeating again.”

Elias scrutinizes Isak for a moment, the heated look in his eyes reminding Isak so much of Sana that he can’t help but relax under it. After a second, Elias nods, putting his hand on Isak’s shoulder.

At the same moment, Even’s door opens, and Even steps out, slightly panicked look in his eyes.

Isak’s heart squeezes painfully when he realises Even was scared he ran out _again_ , he has a lot to make up for. Judging by the way in which his hand painfully clutches Isak’s shoulder for a moment, Elias agrees.

“Oh,” Even breathes, blush creeping up his cheeks when Elias shoots him a meaningful look. He clears his throat.

“Well, so far for playing hard to get,” Elias says, as he releases Isak.

Isak immediately steps up to Even, snuggles into his side.

Even smiles down at him, his arm fits perfectly around Isak’s waist. They stare stupidly at each other for a moment before Elias interrupts them.

“Fine, whatever. Just don’t forget what I told you Isak! And keep the noise down, please,’ he sounds fondly exasperated, like this was exactly what he expected.

Even just grins as he pulls Isak back into his room.

They fall giggling back into bed and crawl under the covers. When they fall silent, they just look at each other for several, long breathes. Their noses almost touching, legs intertwined, hands linked between them.

Isak’s heart thumped wildly, but for the first time in forever he was at peace.

He counted the galaxies in Even’s eyes, melted into his feather light kisses. And he knew there was nowhere else he’d rather be than right here.

~

“Where do you want this?” Jonas asks, face almost hidden behind the plant in his hands.

Isak points to the windowsill in the kitchen, there’s a spot next to Even’s plants reserved for that one.

The first time Even came over to Isak’s place, he had taken one look at the plant and had exclaimed his distress with the state in which the plant was. The next time he came over, he brought extra nutrition for the plant, plus a strict watering regiment he hung on the fridge door.

Slowly, but surely, the plant’s leaves turned green again and by the next spring, it started blooming anew.

When Isak had seen the first flower, he had excitedly called Even who came over immediately. Even had smiled at his boyfriend’s wonder.

Isak had explained to Even how he felt like the plant was a metaphor for his life. The sad, decaying state of his life three months back, to the new life springing into it now.

This time Even had stood there full of wonder. He had dragged Isak to bed, made love to him for hours, until they were all spent and all they were able to do was stare lovingly into each other’s eyes.

Now, a year after that one fateful night, the plant stands in between Even’s plants on the windowsill of the new apartment. _Their_ new apartment.

Isak stares at it for a moment, smile curved around his lips.

He doesn’t startle when Even pulls him into his arms, kissing the sensitive spot behind his ear, right where he left a bruise late last night.

“Welcome home, baby,” Even whispers into Isak’s ear.

Isak closes his eyes, lets his head drop onto Even’s shoulder. He’s at peace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Find me on Tumblr](http://greathalesonfire.tumblr.com/)  
>  I made a playlist for this series, but it's not nearly finished!! And not in the correct order yet, either. So it's a beta, of some sorts, but if you want to listen: [I Wish These Were All Lovesongs](https://open.spotify.com/user/117444055/playlist/4xl5DMbOugIVbfdR7ZkDiD)  
> If you have any songs you want me to use, shoot me a message on Tumblr or comment here!


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